Learning Off the Syllabus

            I went back to school full time this fall.  I studied hard, joined study groups, did my homework, did extra reading, and basically was a model student.  I learned lots; I learned a LOT that was not on any syllabus.

            Take extreme measures never to take another 1000 level class.  Not that the classes aren’t good, but the teenagers drive me crazy.  “What if I can’t come for the final?”  I cannot believe I actually heard that question, asked seriously, of a professor.  Then she threw a fit when he told her she’d fail if she didn’t take the final.  “You didn’t tell me I had to do a works cited page.”  Oh, come one.  Everyone requires a works cited page, for everything you ever write.  Welcome to college, Kid.  “It’s my opinion.  I don’t need to do any research or cite any sources.”  It is an opinion paper, and you are welcome to any opinion you can support with properly documented sources.  Different kid, but again, welcome to college.  Note to self: schedule classes with classmates who have a semester or two under their belts, not with these idiots.

            If you hear sirens in the middle of class, it means, “Someone’s dying.”  Muttered by a professor in the middle of a mathematical proof, this is hilarious.  Other gems from Cesar: “This will help you the rest of your life—well, the rest of your life in math.”  “Choose numbers that make your life easier.”  (This has applications for everything else in life, too.  Choose things that make life easier.)  “I speak two languages, Portuguese and Spanish,” spoken in perfect, fluent English.  Apparently English doesn’t count.  By far, this was the most fun I’ve ever had in a math class.

            Do your works cited page as you do your research.  I repeat, DO YOUR WORKS CITED PAGE AS YOU DO YOUR RESEARCH.  A midnight internet search for the publisher of that obscure article and the author of that one book (you know, that one) is not a fun way to spend an evening.  Save yourself the trouble.  And while we’re on the subject of citing work, www.knightcite.com is a gift from the MLA gods to students and researchers everywhere.

            Even if it is help I am uniquely qualified to give, offering help to adults who don’t request help is offensive.

            Aging brains do not learn as quickly or as efficiently as young brains.  I study a lot harder than my classmates to learn the same material.

            I learned how to sign, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that” with sarcasm dripping from every movement and oozing from every facial expression.  Thank you, Melissa.  I also learned to tell a joke in ASL, and the expression equivalent to “Oh, give it up already.”

            I need a new laptop.  I need a small, light laptop that doesn’t weigh more than two pounds.

            I learned to ride the bus without having to talk to anyone.  I learned where to find recent novels in the college library.  I learned where to buy a croissant, a bandaid, or a diet coke.  I learned to carry multiple extra pens, and that pens invariably run out of ink in math class.  I learned that from a professor’s perspective, doodling looks very much like note taking.

            Mostly, I learned that college is fun, in spite of the work, the idiots, and the heavy, heavy books.