Scary

This may be the scariest post I have ever written.

I identify as many things: wife, friend, Christian, teacher, woman, sister, mom, Mormon--

--and bisexual. If sexuality is, as I think of it, a continuum from wholly straight to wholly gay, I fall fairly close to the gay side. I am not unattracted to men, but I am far more drawn to women.

Before we go any further, I want to clarify that I adore my husband. He has my back; I depend on him for love and support. I am attracted most strongly to his intellect and good heart, and I am physically attracted to him because I love him, and our sex life makes us both happy. I am blessed to be his wife for all eternity.

I also want to clarify that loving a man and my choice to marry a man will not work for most gay women. Women who fall on the sexuality continuum closer to the gay side feel strongly, comfortably attracted to women, and they fall in love with women. They live a life true to themselves and their own hearts, and, in the society we live in, that brings its own challenges; I respect these women for standing together in a world that is against them in so many ways. I recognize and celebrate their committed relationships with and genuine love for their partners.

I chose to be a devout and faithful Mormon as an adult, after a few years away from the church I was raised in. I chose to link my life to my husband's for all eternity. I chose to live by strict codes of morality and modesty. Still, every six months in recent years, sometimes more often, I hear the message that my faith community doesn't like me and doesn't want me. I know those are not the words they use, but that is the message that comes through for me and almost all of the LGBT/Mormon community. My church tolerates me because of the choices I have made, but they disapprove of and dislike a basic part of who I am. I can change my choices. I can change my mind. I can change outward behavior almost as easily as I change my shoes. I cannot change who I am. Since I cannot change who I am, and I am at odds with my church, I take an ever-increasing handful of psychiatric meds every day to numb my emotions and keep them manageable. I keep a therapist in my contacts list to help when it all gets unbearable, even with meds. I cry a lot.

This is hard. This is really hard.

Even when I am trying, when I am doing everything "right," I am reminded again and again that I am an outsider. I feel alone in my church congregation, even when there are two hundred people around me. I am never safe. I am guarded and careful of everything I say. I have a lot of practice; I'm pretty good at acting like I fit in, but I will never fit in where I am.

I do not think I am stronger or more faithful than people who make other choices. Please don't hold me up as an example to anyone. Please just increase your compassion for square pegs trying to fit in round holes.

Please do have compassion for the kids who have far fewer coping skills than I, for the kids who are just beginning to realize that their church doesn't want them, for the kids who struggle every day, for the kids who need your love and absolute, unconditional acceptance.

Interpretation of the Actual Gospels by Les

Jesus' beautiful Sermon on the Mount is recorded in Matthew, and it is in Matthew 5:48 that we read "Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." A summary of the Sermon on the Mount can also be found in Luke, and Luke 6:36 reads, "Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful." The similarity between these two scriptures is striking, and it begs a comparison. 

To be perfect, we must be merciful. We can never be like our Heavenly Father, perfect, unless we become perfectly merciful. Perfect mercy requires perfect understanding of all the circumstances and thoughts and experiences of another person, and that is impossible for us mere mortals. The closest we can come might be learning to see one another as children of God, loved and cherished by deity. 

When we see the imperfect people around us, mercy requires that we remember that God loves those imperfect people and has asked us to do the same--love them. Just love them, without condition or judgement. Love them. Be merciful. Become perfectly merciful. 

It's not just a suggestion. It's a commandment. Do it.