Gift giving is hard. It’s hard to guess what someone else might love. It’s hard to find a gift that sends just the right message. It’s hard to wonder if they really like it, or if they just say they do. It’s even harder if they say outright they don’t like it. No wonder we all get so stressed about shopping for the holidays. If only Santa would whisper in our ears, it would be so much easier. To ease the pain a little, here are some guidelines:
Pay close attention to any texts or emails beginning with the words “For Christmas, I want . . .” Ads torn from magazines and taped to the bathroom mirror or stuck to the fridge indicate something that might delight the receiver. Obviously, a million dollars in a Swiss bank account is almost always appropriate. But what if none of these are options?
Adult men do not need stuffed animals; they don’t want them, either. They do not now, nor will they ever need soap on a rope. They usually need socks, but this is not a gift they will appreciate. Men like gadgets, buttons and technology. The problem is that men go out and buy for themselves whatever they want. They must be forbidden to shop for themselves between Thanksgiving and Christmas so the rest of us have a fighting chance. Otherwise, it’s just not sporting.
Wives and girlfriends should buy clothes and cologne for the men in their lives. Give him a shirt or sweater you would like to see him wearing on New Year’s Eve, one that you want to cuddle up against. Give him your favorite cologne, and tell him it’s your favorite. If he surreptitiously borrows your skin care products, give him his own in a more masculine package. Matching sweaters are rarely on his wish list—try to resist the temptation to look like teenagers at an amusement park.
Little girls are easy. Go to the toy store, buy anything and everything pink or purple, especially if it sparkles. Even if she has one already, she wants the whole set, and a spare for her friends to use when they play dress-up.
You might as well buy educational toys for little boys. Anything they pick up will become either a weapon or a hammer, and you’ll feel better about giving them something they could learn from if they would stop banging each other with it for five minutes.
Teenagers want money, preferably cash, but gift cards will do in a pinch. You know your teenager best; if there is a chance yours will spend the money on something you disapprove of, such as drugs or anything with the words “parental guidance suggested” on the cover, you will have to be a little more creative. This is an excellent opportunity to give them something you want them to have—a new suit and tie, for example, or a dictionary. Be cautious about giving luggage, as they will probably take that as tacit approval for a road trip with their friends.
Women are surprisingly easy to shop for. We are good at giving hints, both subtle and obvious. If we don’t give hints, or you don’t catch them, simply follow my little brother’s formula: something soft, something sparkly, something stinky. Something soft would be a sweater, cashmere gloves, a cuddly blanket, or a puppy if you promise to housetrain and walk it forever. Something sparkly would be anything you buy in a jewelry store, and you truly cannot go wrong with diamonds. Something stinky means perfume in our favorite scent, but do not buy this at a grocery or discount store unless she specifically and emphatically requests it. Shop at the makeup counter in a department store—ask the salespeople for advice if you need it.
Neighbors and office mates do not need or want any more clutter. Consumables of almost any kind are the answer here: candles, lotion, treats, pens—you get the idea. If you are the boss, your staff does not want an office party. Your staff wants an afternoon off with pay. You get the same productivity as you would at a party, and you save the expense of catering and decorating. Teachers don’t actually love apples, but they adore students who turn in work on time, neatly done. Old teachers love thank you notes telling how much you learned in his or her class.
See how easy that was? You get extra points for wrapping it, and extra extra points for having it wrapped if you can’t wrap a pretty package. Now that you’re done with your shopping, go give a few broad hints about what you want so you ease the stress on the people you love.
Next time: how to graciously accept a gift even if you don’t love it. This can and should be forwarded to whoever it is on your gift list that invariably hates whatever you give them.
I can't even tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts, Les. You are awesome!
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