Fun Fact:

Fun fact: People are not logical. There are 10, or 14, or 100 defined logical fallacies that many of us memorize in college. People are still not logical. Plato said the ideal was to become logical. He said that several thousand years ago. People are still not logical. We can mathematically define set A and set B and see exactly where they intersect and where they do not intersect. People are still not logical. Very intelligent, highly analytical mathematics professors at colleges and universities teach logical sequences. People (even those math professors) are still not logical.

Corollary: Emotions are not logical, either.

In human interactions, the message sent is frequently different than the message received. This is, in part, due to the fact that neither the sender nor the receiver is logical. They are both people, you see, and people are not logical.

(Do I sound angry? I am angry. That is also not logical. Deal with it.)

I read fashion magazines.

(Stay with me. I'll connect these points eventually.)

I like fashion. I'm shallow. So shoot me. I still read fashion magazines. Not once, in any magazine, have I ever seen a headline even remotely like "You Are Fat, Therefor You Are Worthless." Every model is thinner than I am. The ads are filled with products to make us look or be thinner. The articles are about dressing, eating, or posing to look or be thinner. To be fair, one magazine does have a monthly column dedicated to fuller figured women. It offers advice on looking thinner.

None of this is specifically saying that fat women are worthless. The message received IS that fat women are worthless. This message is not confined to the pages of fashion magazines, either. Television, featuring beautiful thin women as the women who have it all, send this message. The dolls our pre-teen girls play with send this message. We send this message to each other.

Logic tells us that these magazines, television shows, and dolls are only saying that it's good to be thin. Logic tells us that these magazines, television shows, and dolls are saying nothing whatsoever about fat women (except that one). Guess what? People aren't logical. Our sisters, our daughters, our friends, our wives, our mothers are all getting the message that fat women are worthless. We internalize this message. We believe this message. We look in the mirror, see those two pounds that weren't there last week, and believe those two pounds make us worthless. We are critical and self conscious of our bodies, and we believe our bodies define our worth.

That is not logical. People aren't logical.

There is another message in the world that women must dress modestly because it will contribute to the moral purity of men. It is a logical fallacy to say that this message is also saying that if women do not dress modestly men will not be pure. Doesn't matter. People aren't logical. The message received is that women are responsible for the thoughts of men. It's a short jump to receiving the message that women are responsible for the behavior of men.

People aren't logical.

I can guarantee that fourteen-year-old girls are not logical. If they were, they would not roll their eyes and stomp out of the room in response to perfectly reasonable requests. Teenagers are people. People are not logical. These teenage people are getting the message that girls are responsible for the behavior of boys. Many of us, my friends and daughters and sisters, have internalized this message. Many of us have been told specifically that we are responsible for the thoughts and behavior of boys.

We women grew up with the idea that we and we alone were responsible for the behavior of the boys and men around us. We internalized this. We feel guilty when we are whistled at, leered at, assaulted. We feel that, somehow, these attacks are our fault. We feel responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of these perpetrators. This is not logical. That does not change how we feel.

Because none of us are logical, let me be clear on one point: I am not saying that I choose to dress immodestly, or that I wish I felt comfortable dressing immodestly. For me, modest dress is a physical manifestation of a spiritual commitment. I choose to dress accordingly.

If I were logical, these messages wouldn't make me angry. I wouldn't even receive these messages. I am a person. People aren't logical. These are the messages I receive, intended or not, stated or not. These are the messages I internalized as a young teenager. These are the things I believe in the most secret recesses of my heart. These are the messages that have always influenced my thinking and behavior.

It's not logical. Deal with it.

What Agency Does Not Mean, and What It Does

The concept of free agency as explained by the doctrine of my church is frequently misunderstood and misapplied. Perhaps I can shed some light on the topic:

Free agency means we all have a God-given right to make our own choices. God will not force righteousness on anyone. We are here in this life to choose for ourselves as a test—will we choose good or choose evil? Agency does not negate the existence of right and wrong; some choices are right, some are wrong.

There’s the sticking point. What’s the difference between good and evil? Where is the line? How fuzzy is the line? You may, without interference from God, draw this line wherever you wish. God drew His line millennia ago, and it hasn’t moved. We are all free to show the world where we drew the line, by actions or by words. Agency means the freedom to say, “I disagree with you. I think the line is over here, and the behavior you engage in is on the side of evil.” That statement is not a violation of anyone’s agency.

Sometimes one person’s agency is used to negate another person’s. John Wilkes Booth used his agency to permanently take away Abraham Lincoln’s agency. James Earl Ray did the same to Martin Luther King’s agency. These atrocities happened without interference from God (this is not an indication of an indifferent or powerless God, but that is another essay). That is agency. We choose, while we are here, how we will behave. Everyone can agree that murder is different from a statement of belief. Murder takes away agency. Statements do not. 

You are, of course, free to define agency any way you choose, without interference from God. But this is, in a simplified version, how my church chooses to define the word. Questions about this or other doctrine? Feel free to ask. If I don't know, I'll try to find out for you.

Defending Faith

My faith is under attack.

When I express my faith in God, I am accused of shoving religion down someone’s throat. I believe the doctrine of my church, and I am accused of not thinking for myself. I follow strict religious guidelines, and my church is called cult-like. Religion has sometimes been called terrorism, sometimes the opiate of the masses, sometimes mass hysteria.

Please, allow me to defend my faith.

I know something that makes me happy, and I want the people I know and love to be happy with me, so I share my faith. God gave me a brain with the expectation that I will use it; I use my own intellect to decide that I trust my church leaders. Any religion that fails to require the sacrifice of all things will fail in changing human hearts; I am willing to sacrifice all the small, petty things that draw me away from God, so I try to follow the commandments. I am not a terrorist, I do not use religion to cover up the evils of life, I am not crazy.

I love my God, I love my church, I love my prophet. I am not ashamed of my faith.

I make an effort to be respectful of other belief systems and other values. I try to recognize good wherever I find it. I give to charity, I love my neighbors, I vote. I apologize and repent frequently, because I usually recognize my own faults. I am learning to think compassionately of others. I understand that I do not know the whole story of any situation, and am rarely in a position to judge another’s behavior or motives.

I am far from perfect. I am selfish and lazy, offensive, abrasive, judgmental, and mean-spirited. I am slow to learn, unwilling to be taught, stubborn and prideful. I know what I should be, but I fail every day.

I ask only that you not judge my church based on my human failings. My God is omnipotent and omnibenevolent. He is perfect. It is me, His child, that falls short, not my God. 

Love at First Sight?

I never believed in love at first sight. How, I thought, could a person honestly love someone without knowing anything about them? Then my babies were born. With all five of them, I looked into their eyes, and fell in love. These tiny people looked at me, as Whitman said, “not in entire forgetfulness, and not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory,” with heaven lying close around them. I thought I knew what “love at first sight” meant.

As a parent, I spent hours staring at my babies, wondering who they would become. Will he be sensitive? Will she love to dance? A million questions ran through my mind. I planned to be a gentle, playful parent. I listed the skills and attitudes I wanted to teach these innocent souls. I felt the overwhelming, sometimes crushing weight of the responsibility for my children. Among all of this, I loved them, completely and passionately.

Now I have grandchildren. I held each of these babies, looking into their eyes, sensing the heaven still lying about them, and fell in love again. It’s different with grandchildren. I love them no less than I love my own children, but I don’t waste time wondering and worrying about who they will become. When I play cars, that is all I’m doing. No teaching moments, no quizzes on colors or counting, we’re just playing. When I hold these babies, I am not thinking about everything they need to learn. I am cuddling with a baby, and that is all.

I love my grandchildren now, in this moment, for all that they are. Everything in the past stays in the past. They future can take care of itself. This child is here now, a whole person, ready to be loved and to love. And that is what real love at first sight looks like.

Addiction

My daughter is an addict. She has tried alcohol, nicotine, and meth, but her drug of choice was heroin. I was shocked when she told me about her addiction, but determined to help her get clean. That day she took the first step forward in the hardest thing she’ll ever do.

Watching her in heroin withdrawal was gruesome. She was violently ill; it is not unheard of for a person to vomit their own feces. She stumbled through the hall, unable to walk completely upright. She was shaking, scared, crying, and she couldn’t do it. All the love and support and willpower in the world was not enough to overcome the grip heroin had on her mind and body. She did not quit that night, nor would she quit for many nights to come, but she kept trying, kept fighting.

After some research and several phone calls, she and I decided to visit an addiction clinic. We talked to the medical staff and the counseling staff, learned about the options, and decided to start medical and psychological treatment for addiction.

She decided to try Suboxone, a medication made of two drugs. One of the drugs blocked the effects of withdrawal, helping to minimize her nausea and other physical symptoms. The other drug blocked the effects of narcotics, preventing her from feeling anything from heroin even if she did relapse. She went to the clinic every single day to get that day’s dose of medication, and take it in front of a witness to make sure she wasn’t selling it on the street.

She met with a drug counselor every week, working through the psychological issues that led to drug addiction in the first place. Her counselor was an addict, too, clean for many years, with a Master’s degree in social work. Meeting with another addict, someone who did it and who continues to do it every day, gave my daughter hope. This was really hard, but not impossible; people do this every day.

After many years, my daughter still goes to the clinic several times a week and sees a counselor a couple times a month. She is an addict. She will always be an addict, and this will affect the rest of her life. She will always want heroin. Her brain, like all addicts’ brains, is rewired for addiction. She must always be on guard, cautious in the extreme.

Those of us who love my daughter will always be affected by addiction, too. We will never be able to bring narcotics into the house, even after surgery or injury. Sometimes her parent figures feel it’s necessary to search her room for drug paraphernalia. There are nights she doesn’t trust herself to be alone, and her brothers volunteer to hang out with her all night, helping her fight her battle with addiction. Heroin and nicotine are the most powerfully addictive substances in the world, based on recidivism rates. My daughter has been clean for a long time, but she is not cured.

My daughter did not wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’ll be a drug addict.” As with any addict, there were other circumstances that led her to try that first dose. She is not and has never been a bad person. She is a regular person, who was tempted and fell, but got back up to try again. We all have something that tempts us, that we fall into again and again, but we keep trying to be better people.

 If every addiction had a smell, we might be surprised at how prevalent it is. If our other sins had a smell, none of us would be exempt. That’s why I was surprised and saddened to see this comment: “The fact they chose to smoke in the first place just shows they really don’t care period, about anything.” Addicts of all kinds are regular people who struggle. Smokers have feelings, and care deeply about all the things non-smokers care about. They deserve our love, the same as any other of our neighbors. 

In Defense of Retailers

This is the busiest time of year for us. Most of us love our jobs; retail can be a lot of fun. Most of us love the crowds and the excitement and the chaos of the holiday season, and we certainly love our paychecks. This is not a bad thing. You wouldn’t work if it weren’t for your paycheck, either. But there are some things the rest of you should understand about us:

You are the reason we are away from our families. If you walk into the store at the exact moment it opens on Black Friday, or Thanksgiving, please understand that we have been here, away from our family celebrations, for two hours already, getting ready for you. You probably brought someone you love with you, but we don’t have that luxury. We are alone on a family holiday, and if you refused to shop on Thanksgiving, we would not be here. An extra measure of kindness and appreciation for what we are doing will take no extra time and will make you our favorite customer of the day. You have no idea what a precious commodity a friendly customer is.

We are working long hours on our feet on cement floors. If we are lucky, we may find 15 minutes to swallow our lunch whole, but we have learned not to expect that. We want to help you find the perfect gift, because we understand how important that is (we have families, too, you see, and we want to find the perfect gift for them, just like you). We will do our very best. If you understand that we are exhausted and hungry, and treat us with care and consideration, we will love you, and thank whatever deity we hold holy for you.

We say “Happy Holidays” not because we are trying to be politically correct, and certainly not because we are trying to offend anyone. We say “Happy Holidays” because we don’t know you, or your religious beliefs, and we are working very hard to be inclusive. We will not be offended if you respond with “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Hanukah” or “Salubrious Solstice” or whatever you like, as long as you say it with politeness and good cheer. Remember, you don’t know us, either. We may not celebrate the same holiday you do. Our diversity is part of what keeps our world interesting. Greet us pleasantly, both coming in and leaving our stores, and you will be one of the bright spots in our holiday, special for your rarity.

All of this is very simple. Say “Please” when you ask us for something. Say “Thank you” when we do our best to help you. Be patient when we have sold out of something, and let us suggest alternatives. Understand that we are not CEOs (they are all hiding in their nice, safe offices because they aren’t as brave as we are) and don’t really have control over our company policies. Remember that we are real people with real feelings that can really be hurt, not emotionless robots.

Happy Holidays

Actual quote: “Don’t tell me I have to say ‘Happy Holidays’ so I don’t offend anyone . . . I will ‘Merry Christmas’ the crap out of you.”

Another actual quote: “I don’t care who I offend. I’m saying ‘Merry Christmas’ this year.”

And another: “I prefer ‘Merry Christmas,’ even if you don’t like it.”

Well, how very Christian, insisting on being mean to people in the name of Christianity. Let’s definitely stomp all over a friendly, well-meant holiday greeting like “Happy holidays” to show everyone how happy we are to celebrate the birth of the Savior of mankind. Let’s use another traditional greeting like “Merry Christmas” not to wish people well, but to point out to them how wrong they are for not choosing the same words that we do. Certainly let’s jump down each other’s throats so everyone knows we welcome God into our lives and homes. Let’s be aggressive in our personal choice of greetings, and not take into account other people’s intentions or feelings. What a marvelous missionary effort that is, sure to change lives and hearts. Soon everyone in the world will want to join in the crusade to slam Christian greetings into every heart by force.

Or better yet, let’s not. Instead, let’s allow the world to be a little better and kinder this holiday season. Let’s respond to friendly greetings with good cheer, with the actual intent to spread good cheer. Let’s use the holiday season to share love and joy. Let’s be grateful that someone hopes we have a happy holiday.

Use the phrase “Merry Christmas” if that’s what makes you happy, but be sure you actually mean what the words say. They literally express a wish for another person to be happy during the Christmas season. That’s a charming sentiment, just the sort of thing we want spread around at this time of year. Be careful that you don’t actually mean, “I hope you understand that I hate everyone who doesn’t think Christ is the center of December.” That sentiment is ugly, and should be eradicated in the name of really trying to live Christlike lives.

By the same token, if you prefer “Happy holidays,” please don’t be offended when I say “Merry Christmas.” I do not intend to force my religion on you. I intend to offer a friendly greeting, hoping you feel merry this holiday season. Please accept it in the spirit with which I say it. I am most likely caught up in the joy of this season, where I feel genuine gratitude for the great gift of the Son of God. I promise that if you reply with “Happy holidays” I will not be offended, and will truly appreciate your warm greeting.

Merry Christmas.