Love at First Sight?

I never believed in love at first sight. How, I thought, could a person honestly love someone without knowing anything about them? Then my babies were born. With all five of them, I looked into their eyes, and fell in love. These tiny people looked at me, as Whitman said, “not in entire forgetfulness, and not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory,” with heaven lying close around them. I thought I knew what “love at first sight” meant.

As a parent, I spent hours staring at my babies, wondering who they would become. Will he be sensitive? Will she love to dance? A million questions ran through my mind. I planned to be a gentle, playful parent. I listed the skills and attitudes I wanted to teach these innocent souls. I felt the overwhelming, sometimes crushing weight of the responsibility for my children. Among all of this, I loved them, completely and passionately.

Now I have grandchildren. I held each of these babies, looking into their eyes, sensing the heaven still lying about them, and fell in love again. It’s different with grandchildren. I love them no less than I love my own children, but I don’t waste time wondering and worrying about who they will become. When I play cars, that is all I’m doing. No teaching moments, no quizzes on colors or counting, we’re just playing. When I hold these babies, I am not thinking about everything they need to learn. I am cuddling with a baby, and that is all.

I love my grandchildren now, in this moment, for all that they are. Everything in the past stays in the past. They future can take care of itself. This child is here now, a whole person, ready to be loved and to love. And that is what real love at first sight looks like.

Addiction

My daughter is an addict. She has tried alcohol, nicotine, and meth, but her drug of choice was heroin. I was shocked when she told me about her addiction, but determined to help her get clean. That day she took the first step forward in the hardest thing she’ll ever do.

Watching her in heroin withdrawal was gruesome. She was violently ill; it is not unheard of for a person to vomit their own feces. She stumbled through the hall, unable to walk completely upright. She was shaking, scared, crying, and she couldn’t do it. All the love and support and willpower in the world was not enough to overcome the grip heroin had on her mind and body. She did not quit that night, nor would she quit for many nights to come, but she kept trying, kept fighting.

After some research and several phone calls, she and I decided to visit an addiction clinic. We talked to the medical staff and the counseling staff, learned about the options, and decided to start medical and psychological treatment for addiction.

She decided to try Suboxone, a medication made of two drugs. One of the drugs blocked the effects of withdrawal, helping to minimize her nausea and other physical symptoms. The other drug blocked the effects of narcotics, preventing her from feeling anything from heroin even if she did relapse. She went to the clinic every single day to get that day’s dose of medication, and take it in front of a witness to make sure she wasn’t selling it on the street.

She met with a drug counselor every week, working through the psychological issues that led to drug addiction in the first place. Her counselor was an addict, too, clean for many years, with a Master’s degree in social work. Meeting with another addict, someone who did it and who continues to do it every day, gave my daughter hope. This was really hard, but not impossible; people do this every day.

After many years, my daughter still goes to the clinic several times a week and sees a counselor a couple times a month. She is an addict. She will always be an addict, and this will affect the rest of her life. She will always want heroin. Her brain, like all addicts’ brains, is rewired for addiction. She must always be on guard, cautious in the extreme.

Those of us who love my daughter will always be affected by addiction, too. We will never be able to bring narcotics into the house, even after surgery or injury. Sometimes her parent figures feel it’s necessary to search her room for drug paraphernalia. There are nights she doesn’t trust herself to be alone, and her brothers volunteer to hang out with her all night, helping her fight her battle with addiction. Heroin and nicotine are the most powerfully addictive substances in the world, based on recidivism rates. My daughter has been clean for a long time, but she is not cured.

My daughter did not wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’ll be a drug addict.” As with any addict, there were other circumstances that led her to try that first dose. She is not and has never been a bad person. She is a regular person, who was tempted and fell, but got back up to try again. We all have something that tempts us, that we fall into again and again, but we keep trying to be better people.

 If every addiction had a smell, we might be surprised at how prevalent it is. If our other sins had a smell, none of us would be exempt. That’s why I was surprised and saddened to see this comment: “The fact they chose to smoke in the first place just shows they really don’t care period, about anything.” Addicts of all kinds are regular people who struggle. Smokers have feelings, and care deeply about all the things non-smokers care about. They deserve our love, the same as any other of our neighbors. 

In Defense of Retailers

This is the busiest time of year for us. Most of us love our jobs; retail can be a lot of fun. Most of us love the crowds and the excitement and the chaos of the holiday season, and we certainly love our paychecks. This is not a bad thing. You wouldn’t work if it weren’t for your paycheck, either. But there are some things the rest of you should understand about us:

You are the reason we are away from our families. If you walk into the store at the exact moment it opens on Black Friday, or Thanksgiving, please understand that we have been here, away from our family celebrations, for two hours already, getting ready for you. You probably brought someone you love with you, but we don’t have that luxury. We are alone on a family holiday, and if you refused to shop on Thanksgiving, we would not be here. An extra measure of kindness and appreciation for what we are doing will take no extra time and will make you our favorite customer of the day. You have no idea what a precious commodity a friendly customer is.

We are working long hours on our feet on cement floors. If we are lucky, we may find 15 minutes to swallow our lunch whole, but we have learned not to expect that. We want to help you find the perfect gift, because we understand how important that is (we have families, too, you see, and we want to find the perfect gift for them, just like you). We will do our very best. If you understand that we are exhausted and hungry, and treat us with care and consideration, we will love you, and thank whatever deity we hold holy for you.

We say “Happy Holidays” not because we are trying to be politically correct, and certainly not because we are trying to offend anyone. We say “Happy Holidays” because we don’t know you, or your religious beliefs, and we are working very hard to be inclusive. We will not be offended if you respond with “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Hanukah” or “Salubrious Solstice” or whatever you like, as long as you say it with politeness and good cheer. Remember, you don’t know us, either. We may not celebrate the same holiday you do. Our diversity is part of what keeps our world interesting. Greet us pleasantly, both coming in and leaving our stores, and you will be one of the bright spots in our holiday, special for your rarity.

All of this is very simple. Say “Please” when you ask us for something. Say “Thank you” when we do our best to help you. Be patient when we have sold out of something, and let us suggest alternatives. Understand that we are not CEOs (they are all hiding in their nice, safe offices because they aren’t as brave as we are) and don’t really have control over our company policies. Remember that we are real people with real feelings that can really be hurt, not emotionless robots.

Happy Holidays

Actual quote: “Don’t tell me I have to say ‘Happy Holidays’ so I don’t offend anyone . . . I will ‘Merry Christmas’ the crap out of you.”

Another actual quote: “I don’t care who I offend. I’m saying ‘Merry Christmas’ this year.”

And another: “I prefer ‘Merry Christmas,’ even if you don’t like it.”

Well, how very Christian, insisting on being mean to people in the name of Christianity. Let’s definitely stomp all over a friendly, well-meant holiday greeting like “Happy holidays” to show everyone how happy we are to celebrate the birth of the Savior of mankind. Let’s use another traditional greeting like “Merry Christmas” not to wish people well, but to point out to them how wrong they are for not choosing the same words that we do. Certainly let’s jump down each other’s throats so everyone knows we welcome God into our lives and homes. Let’s be aggressive in our personal choice of greetings, and not take into account other people’s intentions or feelings. What a marvelous missionary effort that is, sure to change lives and hearts. Soon everyone in the world will want to join in the crusade to slam Christian greetings into every heart by force.

Or better yet, let’s not. Instead, let’s allow the world to be a little better and kinder this holiday season. Let’s respond to friendly greetings with good cheer, with the actual intent to spread good cheer. Let’s use the holiday season to share love and joy. Let’s be grateful that someone hopes we have a happy holiday.

Use the phrase “Merry Christmas” if that’s what makes you happy, but be sure you actually mean what the words say. They literally express a wish for another person to be happy during the Christmas season. That’s a charming sentiment, just the sort of thing we want spread around at this time of year. Be careful that you don’t actually mean, “I hope you understand that I hate everyone who doesn’t think Christ is the center of December.” That sentiment is ugly, and should be eradicated in the name of really trying to live Christlike lives.

By the same token, if you prefer “Happy holidays,” please don’t be offended when I say “Merry Christmas.” I do not intend to force my religion on you. I intend to offer a friendly greeting, hoping you feel merry this holiday season. Please accept it in the spirit with which I say it. I am most likely caught up in the joy of this season, where I feel genuine gratitude for the great gift of the Son of God. I promise that if you reply with “Happy holidays” I will not be offended, and will truly appreciate your warm greeting.

Merry Christmas.

Persuasion

In most parts of the country, I am politically a little left of center.  In my own area of the country, I am a raging Socialist.  Fine.  I embrace the socialist label, if it means I typically vote Democrat.  Still, I agree with more conservative political opinion on many things, gun control among them.  American citizens have the right to own guns.  When the Constitution was written, that meant muskets and rifles.  Today there are better guns out there, and American citizens have the right to own those better guns.  Your musket would be useless against someone with a semi-automatic, and would defeat the whole purpose of the second amendment.

Still, I choose not to own a gun.  That is also my right.  The Constitution guarantees that I have the right to own a gun, but does not give me an obligation to own a gun.  I have never heard anyone suggest that I should be required by law to own a gun.  Many have suggested that they think it’s a good idea to keep a gun, but suggesting ideas is not the same thing as passing laws, and I am okay with those opinions.  We can disagree without being jerks about it.

I am puzzled, however, by some of the sloganed pictures I’ve seen in social media.  For example:

These seem to suggest that it is okay to victimize me because I vote for more liberal political candidates and choose not to own a gun.  Don’t get me wrong:  I understand these are meant to be funny.  None of my friends and neighbors who own guns have ever threatened my person or my home.  But these and other “funny” memes bother me.  When the barrel of the joke is aimed at me, it does not feel like a joke.  It feels like a threat. 

When I feel threatened, I am inclined to get out of Dodge.  I am not persuaded to change my opinion.  I would venture to guess that other slightly-left-of-center people feel the same.  If those people happen to be in favor of gun control, I would guess they will not change their minds based on feeling threatened.  These are the people whose minds and votes are open to change.  No one will change the minds of extremists on either side of the political spectrum.  It’s almost pointless to try. 

I would argue, then, that this type of humor is counter-productive at best, harmful at worst.  Persuasion is how voting works: we persuade the majority of the people to believe the way we do, and we get our way.  Threatening, even in jest, is the exact opposite of persuasion.  Of course I want to take away the guns of anyone who points them at me.  We all can agree that we don’t want guns pointed at ourselves or our families.  Pointing metaphorical guns at people on social media will not persuade them to vote with you.  We should all be careful about the humor we post on Facebook and Twitter.  Even I, who am strongly in favor of the Bill of Rights, can be persuaded that your gun is dangerous if it’s pointed at me.

Enjoy This Stage While You Can

I will have two tiny granddaughters coming into the world this fall.  My step-daughter and daughter-in-law will guide these little girls into adulthood.  Hundreds of older women have said and will say the same things: “Enjoy this stage while you can.”  We say this because we’ve been there.  We missed some opportunities to enjoy them because we were dreading the things to come.  We got so caught up in dealing with the grind that we forgot to be happy in the moment.  We complained about our kids, struggled with them and against them, dragged through our days with our faces in a perma-scowl, yawning because we hadn’t slept in days.

 

And yet, there were moments when we got it right.  When we lived entirely in the moment.  We helped our toddler make a colossal mess because it was fun.  We colored.  We dug a hole in the flower bed.  We laid on the floor and watched cartoons.  We bought a treat at Target not because the kids were extra well-behaved, but because we could, and we wanted to.  We skipped school and the whole family stayed in pajamas all day and ate cookies for breakfast.  We read aloud a book we loved when we were children.  We folded laundry and let the preschooler help by sorting the socks.  We helped with homework and were there when the grade-schooler finally got fractions.  We chaperoned a middle school dance, and danced.  We stayed up way too late listening to a teenager explain what love feels like. 

In these moments, we remembered to enjoy the stage they were in.  We want that for you.  We want you to have more of those moment than we did.  We want you to be caught up in the pure, unadulterated joy of parenting.  We know it’s hard.  We know that babies, toddlers, preschoolers, kids, preteens, and teenagers can be colossal pains in the butt.  We know, even, that adult children can be the same thing.  We’ve been there, too.  We want you to create enough moments of joy that you still feel it when the baby throws up on the dog.  We want you to have a reserve of childish delight to share when the preteen is way too cool for childish things.  Hang on to the magic, the sublime, the eternity that clings to your relationship with your children. 

Yes, we do know you’ve heard this before.  We know you find these moments.  We know you love and enjoy your children.  We say it because we loved and enjoyed ours, too.  Looking at parenting from our end, we know how fast the years fly, and how much we missed during those long days.  We say these inane things because we know they are true.  You will always wish for one more second in each stage, in which you simply love your child, just as we do.  We just want you to have a few more of those precious, in-the-moment, blissful seconds than we did, because we know those are the seconds you will pull out in your empty nest and use them to decorate your heart.

I Am a Feminist, and I Am a Mormon

            I believe in my heart that women are the equal of men.  Women can and do run businesses and governments, homes and school boards, and they do it well.  Women think critically and logically about the world around them, and make intelligent decisions all the time.  But I am puzzled by the feminist arguments in the LDS church lately.

            Women do not hold the priesthood.  Don’t tell me that women can have babies and try to make that the same thing.  Men also have a vital role in procreation, and are equally responsible for bringing children into the world.  In fact, women cannot have babies without men.  Many women, through no fault of their own, cannot have children.  This is not because they are unworthy.  So, men, stop telling us this is the same thing.  It is not.

            And yet, there is something wrong with the argument the women are making, too.  If we believe the LDS church to be the church of God, headed by Jesus and led by Jesus, we have to trust the decisions Jesus makes.  If we believe the current president of the church, like all the presidents before him, is a prophet of God, we have to trust him to pass on the word of God.  We have to assume that, if and when Jesus wishes to make a change in His church, He will tell us.  If He does not tell us to change something, we cannot change it for Him, claiming it is His will. 

            If we believe all this, we have to believe that President Monson cannot change church policy without direction from the Lord.  The protestors are petitioning the wrong power.  The correct being to petition for this change would be the Lord.  In humble prayer, seek divine inspiration about the matter, see what God has to say about it.  Allow God to give you His own answer, and be willing to accept whatever answer He has to give.  Yes, accept it even if the answer is not what you want to hear.

            If, on the other hand, you believe enough social pressure will change the policy of the LDS church, then you cannot believe that Jesus is in charge.  If that is the case, why do you care?  The power isn’t backed by anything, isn’t real.  So why bother protesting?

            I will assume that God knows more than I do, that He has designed His church as He wants it, and that if changes are to be made, He will give directions to do so.  For now, while I see through imperfect, mortal eyes, I am content to trust Him.