Women and Worth

            We women receive so many different messages about our worth, from so many different sources. We are only as valuable as our bodies, so we should flaunt them—or we should cover them up. We are only as valuable as our purity. If we make a mistake, we are chewed gum, of no worth to anyone. We are valuable only if we are thin and young. If we are mothers and stay home, we aren’t making the most of our brains. If we are mothers and also work outside the home, we aren’t taking proper care of our children. If we are not mothers for whatever reason, we are selfish and think only of ourselves. If we are single others assume we are incomplete without a partner. If we are married we are the “old ball and chain.” Or, if we are married, we are only half of a whole and we are referred to as “my better half.” We are the trophy wife if we are younger than our partners. We are the cougar if we are older than our partners.

            We women are bombarded with messages about our worth all the time. It’s mostly lies.

            The truth is, you have inherent, innate worth. You were born with a unique mind and personality, with a unique body to house them. You are valuable because you are, because you exist. You are valuable because you have something no one else has—yourself. You are valuable because there is no one else exactly like you. Your past, whatever it is, has helped you become the woman you are, and given you gifts no one else has.

            You have eyes, or ears, or hands with which to receive this new message: you are of worth.

            There is value and honor in mothering, in cashiering at Walmart, in running a corporation, in waiting tables, and in running a country. There is value and honor in being a wife, a friend, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, and a neighbor. There is value and honor in those things your unique mind and body can do. There is value and honor in living well. These things are important to the smooth running of our social machinery. Your worth, however, is not tied to what you do with your time.

            Virtue, compassion, and gentleness are valuable. Your worth is not tied to your outward traits.

            We receive so many messages that make us feel valueless, and too often we believe them.

            What might happen if all women, everywhere, recognized and truly believed in their own value? How might the world be different is we all took possession of our inherent worth? Imagine what might change if YOU believed in your own innate value. Imagine what you could accomplish if you stopped wondering if you had anything good to offer, and simply knew you DO have something good to offer. Wherever you are, whatever your circumstances, whatever your choices, there is value in you. You matter. You are important. You are of infinite worth.

Truth

            Two sentences, two educated men, changed my thinking forever.  A high school biology teacher showed me how to blend science and religion.  A math professor at a religious university showed me they were never separate.  My faith in God and thirst for knowledge stand on the shoulders of these men.

            Mr. Atkinson taught biology at my high school.  The predominantly Christian student body objected to the unit on evolutionary theory.  Someone asked him how he could believe in God and still teach evolution.  In one simple sentence, he closed the gap between God and scientists by saying, “I have no trouble believing both.”  It was a definite ah-ha moment for me; church and school were no longer opposed in my mind.

            Dr. Wynn taught calculus at my college.  Because I went to a religious school, every teacher was required to invite God into the classroom in some way.  On the first day of class, Dr. Wynn said, “All truth is of God.  If what I teach you in this class is true, you can feel God’s presence here in the math building.”  Science and religion are not different things.  Human knowledge and discovery are approved by and even inspired by God.

            I got glasses when I was nine.  My eyes have become progressively worse, until I cannot see further than the end of my nose.  I wondered, at nine, why God no longer healed the blind.  In college I came to understand that I am healed every morning when I put my contacts in.  I see because God led someone to the discovery of refracted light, and from there to focusing light on my retinas in a way my brain can interpret clearly.

            Today I question the assumption that “nature,” a garden, is the best place to feel creative or at peace.  The work of humankind—architecture, civil engineering, mechanics, electronics—is no less natural than a beaver’s dam or a bee’s hive.  All creatures use the earth around them for shelter, support and comfort.  Soaring glass boxes inspire awe as easily as majestic mountains, and fountains as easily as rivers. 

            A bit of elegant, ornamental grass in the shadow of an architectural sculpture housing a college science department brings together the works of God and the works inspired by God, creating an oasis of knowledge and wonder, of awe at the incredible intellect of the dominant species, the creatures given more brains and bigger hearts than any other.  

Fun Fact:

Fun fact: People are not logical. There are 10, or 14, or 100 defined logical fallacies that many of us memorize in college. People are still not logical. Plato said the ideal was to become logical. He said that several thousand years ago. People are still not logical. We can mathematically define set A and set B and see exactly where they intersect and where they do not intersect. People are still not logical. Very intelligent, highly analytical mathematics professors at colleges and universities teach logical sequences. People (even those math professors) are still not logical.

Corollary: Emotions are not logical, either.

In human interactions, the message sent is frequently different than the message received. This is, in part, due to the fact that neither the sender nor the receiver is logical. They are both people, you see, and people are not logical.

(Do I sound angry? I am angry. That is also not logical. Deal with it.)

I read fashion magazines.

(Stay with me. I'll connect these points eventually.)

I like fashion. I'm shallow. So shoot me. I still read fashion magazines. Not once, in any magazine, have I ever seen a headline even remotely like "You Are Fat, Therefor You Are Worthless." Every model is thinner than I am. The ads are filled with products to make us look or be thinner. The articles are about dressing, eating, or posing to look or be thinner. To be fair, one magazine does have a monthly column dedicated to fuller figured women. It offers advice on looking thinner.

None of this is specifically saying that fat women are worthless. The message received IS that fat women are worthless. This message is not confined to the pages of fashion magazines, either. Television, featuring beautiful thin women as the women who have it all, send this message. The dolls our pre-teen girls play with send this message. We send this message to each other.

Logic tells us that these magazines, television shows, and dolls are only saying that it's good to be thin. Logic tells us that these magazines, television shows, and dolls are saying nothing whatsoever about fat women (except that one). Guess what? People aren't logical. Our sisters, our daughters, our friends, our wives, our mothers are all getting the message that fat women are worthless. We internalize this message. We believe this message. We look in the mirror, see those two pounds that weren't there last week, and believe those two pounds make us worthless. We are critical and self conscious of our bodies, and we believe our bodies define our worth.

That is not logical. People aren't logical.

There is another message in the world that women must dress modestly because it will contribute to the moral purity of men. It is a logical fallacy to say that this message is also saying that if women do not dress modestly men will not be pure. Doesn't matter. People aren't logical. The message received is that women are responsible for the thoughts of men. It's a short jump to receiving the message that women are responsible for the behavior of men.

People aren't logical.

I can guarantee that fourteen-year-old girls are not logical. If they were, they would not roll their eyes and stomp out of the room in response to perfectly reasonable requests. Teenagers are people. People are not logical. These teenage people are getting the message that girls are responsible for the behavior of boys. Many of us, my friends and daughters and sisters, have internalized this message. Many of us have been told specifically that we are responsible for the thoughts and behavior of boys.

We women grew up with the idea that we and we alone were responsible for the behavior of the boys and men around us. We internalized this. We feel guilty when we are whistled at, leered at, assaulted. We feel that, somehow, these attacks are our fault. We feel responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of these perpetrators. This is not logical. That does not change how we feel.

Because none of us are logical, let me be clear on one point: I am not saying that I choose to dress immodestly, or that I wish I felt comfortable dressing immodestly. For me, modest dress is a physical manifestation of a spiritual commitment. I choose to dress accordingly.

If I were logical, these messages wouldn't make me angry. I wouldn't even receive these messages. I am a person. People aren't logical. These are the messages I receive, intended or not, stated or not. These are the messages I internalized as a young teenager. These are the things I believe in the most secret recesses of my heart. These are the messages that have always influenced my thinking and behavior.

It's not logical. Deal with it.

What Agency Does Not Mean, and What It Does

The concept of free agency as explained by the doctrine of my church is frequently misunderstood and misapplied. Perhaps I can shed some light on the topic:

Free agency means we all have a God-given right to make our own choices. God will not force righteousness on anyone. We are here in this life to choose for ourselves as a test—will we choose good or choose evil? Agency does not negate the existence of right and wrong; some choices are right, some are wrong.

There’s the sticking point. What’s the difference between good and evil? Where is the line? How fuzzy is the line? You may, without interference from God, draw this line wherever you wish. God drew His line millennia ago, and it hasn’t moved. We are all free to show the world where we drew the line, by actions or by words. Agency means the freedom to say, “I disagree with you. I think the line is over here, and the behavior you engage in is on the side of evil.” That statement is not a violation of anyone’s agency.

Sometimes one person’s agency is used to negate another person’s. John Wilkes Booth used his agency to permanently take away Abraham Lincoln’s agency. James Earl Ray did the same to Martin Luther King’s agency. These atrocities happened without interference from God (this is not an indication of an indifferent or powerless God, but that is another essay). That is agency. We choose, while we are here, how we will behave. Everyone can agree that murder is different from a statement of belief. Murder takes away agency. Statements do not. 

You are, of course, free to define agency any way you choose, without interference from God. But this is, in a simplified version, how my church chooses to define the word. Questions about this or other doctrine? Feel free to ask. If I don't know, I'll try to find out for you.

Defending Faith

My faith is under attack.

When I express my faith in God, I am accused of shoving religion down someone’s throat. I believe the doctrine of my church, and I am accused of not thinking for myself. I follow strict religious guidelines, and my church is called cult-like. Religion has sometimes been called terrorism, sometimes the opiate of the masses, sometimes mass hysteria.

Please, allow me to defend my faith.

I know something that makes me happy, and I want the people I know and love to be happy with me, so I share my faith. God gave me a brain with the expectation that I will use it; I use my own intellect to decide that I trust my church leaders. Any religion that fails to require the sacrifice of all things will fail in changing human hearts; I am willing to sacrifice all the small, petty things that draw me away from God, so I try to follow the commandments. I am not a terrorist, I do not use religion to cover up the evils of life, I am not crazy.

I love my God, I love my church, I love my prophet. I am not ashamed of my faith.

I make an effort to be respectful of other belief systems and other values. I try to recognize good wherever I find it. I give to charity, I love my neighbors, I vote. I apologize and repent frequently, because I usually recognize my own faults. I am learning to think compassionately of others. I understand that I do not know the whole story of any situation, and am rarely in a position to judge another’s behavior or motives.

I am far from perfect. I am selfish and lazy, offensive, abrasive, judgmental, and mean-spirited. I am slow to learn, unwilling to be taught, stubborn and prideful. I know what I should be, but I fail every day.

I ask only that you not judge my church based on my human failings. My God is omnipotent and omnibenevolent. He is perfect. It is me, His child, that falls short, not my God. 

Love at First Sight?

I never believed in love at first sight. How, I thought, could a person honestly love someone without knowing anything about them? Then my babies were born. With all five of them, I looked into their eyes, and fell in love. These tiny people looked at me, as Whitman said, “not in entire forgetfulness, and not in utter nakedness, but trailing clouds of glory,” with heaven lying close around them. I thought I knew what “love at first sight” meant.

As a parent, I spent hours staring at my babies, wondering who they would become. Will he be sensitive? Will she love to dance? A million questions ran through my mind. I planned to be a gentle, playful parent. I listed the skills and attitudes I wanted to teach these innocent souls. I felt the overwhelming, sometimes crushing weight of the responsibility for my children. Among all of this, I loved them, completely and passionately.

Now I have grandchildren. I held each of these babies, looking into their eyes, sensing the heaven still lying about them, and fell in love again. It’s different with grandchildren. I love them no less than I love my own children, but I don’t waste time wondering and worrying about who they will become. When I play cars, that is all I’m doing. No teaching moments, no quizzes on colors or counting, we’re just playing. When I hold these babies, I am not thinking about everything they need to learn. I am cuddling with a baby, and that is all.

I love my grandchildren now, in this moment, for all that they are. Everything in the past stays in the past. They future can take care of itself. This child is here now, a whole person, ready to be loved and to love. And that is what real love at first sight looks like.

Addiction

My daughter is an addict. She has tried alcohol, nicotine, and meth, but her drug of choice was heroin. I was shocked when she told me about her addiction, but determined to help her get clean. That day she took the first step forward in the hardest thing she’ll ever do.

Watching her in heroin withdrawal was gruesome. She was violently ill; it is not unheard of for a person to vomit their own feces. She stumbled through the hall, unable to walk completely upright. She was shaking, scared, crying, and she couldn’t do it. All the love and support and willpower in the world was not enough to overcome the grip heroin had on her mind and body. She did not quit that night, nor would she quit for many nights to come, but she kept trying, kept fighting.

After some research and several phone calls, she and I decided to visit an addiction clinic. We talked to the medical staff and the counseling staff, learned about the options, and decided to start medical and psychological treatment for addiction.

She decided to try Suboxone, a medication made of two drugs. One of the drugs blocked the effects of withdrawal, helping to minimize her nausea and other physical symptoms. The other drug blocked the effects of narcotics, preventing her from feeling anything from heroin even if she did relapse. She went to the clinic every single day to get that day’s dose of medication, and take it in front of a witness to make sure she wasn’t selling it on the street.

She met with a drug counselor every week, working through the psychological issues that led to drug addiction in the first place. Her counselor was an addict, too, clean for many years, with a Master’s degree in social work. Meeting with another addict, someone who did it and who continues to do it every day, gave my daughter hope. This was really hard, but not impossible; people do this every day.

After many years, my daughter still goes to the clinic several times a week and sees a counselor a couple times a month. She is an addict. She will always be an addict, and this will affect the rest of her life. She will always want heroin. Her brain, like all addicts’ brains, is rewired for addiction. She must always be on guard, cautious in the extreme.

Those of us who love my daughter will always be affected by addiction, too. We will never be able to bring narcotics into the house, even after surgery or injury. Sometimes her parent figures feel it’s necessary to search her room for drug paraphernalia. There are nights she doesn’t trust herself to be alone, and her brothers volunteer to hang out with her all night, helping her fight her battle with addiction. Heroin and nicotine are the most powerfully addictive substances in the world, based on recidivism rates. My daughter has been clean for a long time, but she is not cured.

My daughter did not wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’ll be a drug addict.” As with any addict, there were other circumstances that led her to try that first dose. She is not and has never been a bad person. She is a regular person, who was tempted and fell, but got back up to try again. We all have something that tempts us, that we fall into again and again, but we keep trying to be better people.

 If every addiction had a smell, we might be surprised at how prevalent it is. If our other sins had a smell, none of us would be exempt. That’s why I was surprised and saddened to see this comment: “The fact they chose to smoke in the first place just shows they really don’t care period, about anything.” Addicts of all kinds are regular people who struggle. Smokers have feelings, and care deeply about all the things non-smokers care about. They deserve our love, the same as any other of our neighbors.