Happy Feet

Happy Feet

            I move through the world on four inch spike heels.  There is power in looking a person straight in the eye, instead of up.  Lean, tightened muscles of calves and thighs when I am balanced on the balls of my feet show my physical self in its best light.  I can portray or pretend confidence with a firm click of a shoe on a hard floor.  The sensual sway of my skirt created by a high-heeled gait brings to mind other pleasures of the flesh.  I like looking at my closet shelves, lined floor to ceiling with shoes in every color and style and attitude.  I believe in old friends and new shoes.

            It is true that taller people are presumed to have more authority and intelligence.  Children learn to respect adults, all of whom are taller, and this lesson carries into adulthood as part of our psyche.  In the business world, employees and clients take me more seriously if I can look them straight in the eye, or even down at them a little.  I learned to wear shoes that put my eyes higher than theirs, giving me an advantage as a manager and as a salesman.

            Dancers stand en pointe to give their bodies a long, graceful line from fingertips high above the head to toe tips barely touching the ground.  Their bodies appear to float above the floor, as if gravity pulls less forcefully on them than mere mortals.  High heeled shoes create the illusion of length, grace and beauty.  A woman in high heels appears ethereal and out of reach, making her (ME!) forbidden fruit and more desirable.  I am not available, but every woman likes to know she is beautiful.

            High heels make a distinctive click across hard floors, announcing the arrival or departure of a woman.  A timid, soft tap-tap follows a self-effacing, shy woman unwilling to draw attention to herself.  Loud, uneven, stumbling thunks are the mark of a woman unused to high heels or uncomfortable in her own body.  Firm, even clicking is the sound of a woman with confidence and maturity, sure of herself and the world around her.  Simply hearing this pleasant sound under my own feet brings out my own confidence.  The world is my oyster.

            Little girls twirl around in full dresses, watching their skirts lift around them and feeling delighted with themselves.  Wearing high heels is the grown-up version of this twirling.  Posture is thrown off and balance changes, causing my hips to sway in a sensual and subtly sexual movement, calling to mind other physical pleasures: the taste of good chocolate, the scent of lilacs grown in great clusters, and the feel of a child’s hand tucked firmly into my own. 

            There are a hundred pairs of shoes in rows along my closet shelves.  I choose tall boots with stacked heels to show a tough exterior or to hide a weeping heart.  I choose sparkling platform pumps to show a girlie femininity and daintiness.  Lace-up oxfords portray a professional and competent mien.  Strappy sandals, wedges, shoeties, even my snow boots have high heels, each perfectly suiting a different attitude.  I can choose a shoe to match the mood I’m in, or to create the mood I want.

            I am not a flat, one dimensional woman.  I play many roles and perform all sorts of different tasks.  Some days I can do anything, some days I want to crawl into a hole.  On the days I feel alone and scared in the world, I grab an old friend and go shopping for a brand new pair of really fabulous shoes.  When my feet are happy, I can conquer the universe, capture a heart, and dream impossible dreams.  My shoes and I can do anything. 

Every Single Week

     

Every Week

            My sister and I share a room, a violin teacher, and a shoe size.  We are together much of the time, and too much togetherness creates friction, so we fight.  We fight about whose turn it is to vacuum the carpet and who left the dishes on the dresser and who gets to use the bathroom mirror first this morning.  We fight a lot about who gets to wear the favorite shoes to church.

            “You wore them last week.  You have to let me wear them,” she says, sliding her feet into one of the shoes.

            I did not wear them last week.  I wore the ugly sandals.  If she didn’t take her turn to wear the shoes, that’s not my fault at all.  She missed her turn, and now it’s my turn.  “It’s my turn,” I say as I grab the shoe off her foot, almost yanking her off the bed.  “These go with my dress, you wear something else.”

            “All the other shoes are gross.  I’m not wearing them,” she insists.

            I yell.  She cries.  Mom threatens to take the shoes away if we can’t work it out this very minute with no more meanness.  I am bigger, taller, heavier and meaner, so I get to wear the shoes that day.  There’s no fun in wearing the shoes when my sister is so upset.  This will be the last time I wear these shoes.  Those sandals aren’t so bad, really.

Doggy Pile

            The clicking keyboard disturbed the otherwise quiet room.  Squeaky toys littered the floor, someone’s stereo played in the back bedroom, I dozed on the couch listening to my husband write a speech.

 “What do you think about this paragraph?” he asked, and read aloud for several minutes. 

I only half listened, but managed to wake up long enough to say, “It’s wonderful, Dear,” before I dozed off again. 

It was a perfect way to spend a Saturday afternoon, and I planned to take full advantage of the opportunity.  The dogs were taking advantage of the quiet, too, sleeping in a funny pile on my feet.  I was always too cold from the air conditioner, so they were welcome on my bare toes.

Suddenly the neighbor roared into the driveway on his big Harley, and the dogs leaped to their feet, barking and snarling to protect the house from the vicious motorcycle.  Then the squeaky toys looked fascinating again, and the ball had to be thrown, and everybody wanted to go outside.  Damn.  There went my afternoon nap.

Magic Carpet

I remember first seeing that little, blue Schwinn bike.  It was sitting in the living room on my fifth birthday.  I was excited—and terrified.  Flying around on only two wheels was a scary thought.  How can you balance on that narrow base?  Only a tiny bit of the bike actually touches the ground; that can’t be safe.  Still, I went bravely out with my dad to try it.  And promptly gave up.  I fell on the gravel road in front of our house, I didn’t like the bumpy ride over the giant rocks (okay, gravel isn’t giant, but it looked really big from the top of that bike), and the bike obviously didn’t want me to ride it. 

My dad put training wheels on the bike, and I happily rode on four wheels for two years.  When I was almost seven, the training wheels came off over my protests and against my better judgment.  The bike certainly hadn’t gotten safer in those two years.  If anything, it was worse since I was taller and had further to fall.  My dad didn’t believe that the bike wanted to hurt me, and those training wheels came off anyway.  I was too scared to sit on the seat to ride.  I sat on the crossbar between the seat and handlebars and coasted along, unable to reach the pedals from that awkward angle, but safe sitting only a foot off the ground. 

One day I decided to sit on the seat and coast.  I was tall enough for my feet to easily reach the ground on both sides, so I figured I probably wouldn’t die up there.  Before I knew it, I was riding, feet on the pedals, flying over the street.  I’d never been so fast in my life.  I rode a magic carpet on two wheels, a thoroughbred racehorse with thundering hooves, a space craft capable of escaping the pull of gravity and flying to the moon.  It was magical, freeing, FAST.  I ran inside to make my parents come see my newfound talent.  They stood in awe of my magical self and my superb bike (probably greatly relieved that I’d finally stopped being scared of that little blue bike). 

After years of alternately trying out her bike and avoiding her bike, my granddaughter learned the magic trick of flying on two wheels.  Her proud grin, splitting her face in two, showed her own delight in knowing how to ride a racehorse and a space ship.  Proud grandparents applauded her mastery of her fabulous bicycle, feeling awed and amazed (and not a little relieved that she overcame her fear of that little pink bike). 

I relived my own discovery of freedom while she discovered hers.  I dragged out my bike—big and black, now—and sped around the neighborhood.  It’s still magical and fun and fast.  Go out and borrow a bike from one of the taller kids in your neighborhood.  Try it out.  Rediscover the wonder of racing in the Kentucky Derby, flying to the moon, and swooping over distant lands on your own magic carpet.  Wear a helmet, and have fun!

Monday Letters: Freedom and Patriotism

He is a poor patriot whose patriotism does not enable him to understand how all men everywhere feel about their altars and their hearthstones, their flags and their fatherland.

                                                  Harry Emerson Fosdick

Freedom is still expensive.  It still costs money.  It still costs blood.  It still calls for courage and endurance, not only in soldiers, but in every man and woman who is free and who is determined to remain free.                               Harry S. Truman

We live free to choose for ourselves our careers, our education, our worship and our ethics.  We are free to criticize our government, military and police force.  We can discuss the wrongs of the world in public without fear of imprisonment.  We are free, even, to leave the country and live somewhere else if we so choose.  In this, we are among the lucky ones of the world. 

I hope you understand and appreciate the gift from men and women who believed in liberty enough to fight and die for it.  Liberty is not now, nor has it ever been free.  Worldwide peace will only be achieved when all men are free to think and choose for themselves, and can choose peace.

You may be called upon to defend the freedom or rights of someone.  You may witness bullying, victimizing or other aggressive acts designed to reduce freedom.  I hope you will be willing to stand up for the rights of everyone, speaking out for freedom from fear and mistreatment in behalf of those who cannot speak for themselves. 

You may also be called upon to respect differences in culture, temperament and worship.  There are people in the world who think very differently than you.  Their values may be incomprehensible to you. 

I pray that you will have the wisdom to understand the difference between culture differences and culturally accepted atrocities.  I pray that you will have the courage to act when necessary.  I pray that you will have the respect to allow everyone to choose his own morals and ethics.

Reasons to Marry an Older Man

1.      I will always look younger than his friends from high school.

2.      He’s learned a few things over the years about how to treat women.

3.      He is established in his career, not just starting out.

4.      He’s happy to stay home and read with me, and never expects me to learn a new sport.

5.      Gray hair is distinguished and sexy on a man.

6.      He’s lived alone for a while, so he knows how to do house work.

7.      He has older kids, who give me grandkids for free!  I didn’t have to survive their adolescence, but get to spoil their children.

8.      He has a lifetime of friends and activities to introduce me to.

9.      He’s learned how to change a leaking faucet, a flat tire, and a baby’s diaper.

10.  Two words: life insurance.

Remembering Grandpa

You know what I love about this picture?  I love how happy they all look.
This is Amy, Grandpa Bensch (Jeremy's father), and DJ.  Grandpa was a firefighter, and he brought home firefighting clothes for the kids to try on.  They were amazed at how heavy the clothes are. 
Grandpa Bensch died a few months ago.  He was way too young to die, and it was very unexpected.  I am grateful for my faith in an afterlife and in a loving God.  This is a letter I wrote to my kids just after he died, in hopes that they will also take comfort in faith.

Rembering Grandpa

            When Mikey was a baby, Grandpa Bensch tended him while Daddy and I went out sometimes.  Grandpa told me once that Mikey’s eyes looked older and wiser than baby eyes, like the eyes of someone who hadn’t forgotten living with Heavenly Father.  He also said he felt like he and Mikey had known each other for a long, long time, and I think he was right. I like to think Mikey and Grandpa have had time to talk now.  Perhaps Mikey came to meet Grandpa and show him the way home.

            After we die, our spirits go on to a post-mortal existence. Grandpa definitely was a good man who understood service, compassion, and genuine concern for his neighbors and family.            

         I have been blessed to know that Mikey was waiting for Grandpa.  I know they already know and love each other.  It makes me happy to think of these two men talking about their lives, their family, and you now that they can be together again. 

          I am glad your Grandpa was so cool.  I'm glad I knew him.  I'm glad I once (but only once) beat him at gin.

My kids are very lucky to have had such a Grandpa.  The world is poorer now than it was last year, but Heaven is richer.