Please . . .

            Everyone laughs about it.  Jokes, comedy routines, entire books are based on it.  But deep in our hearts, we find it disconcerting, unsettling, even scary.  We laugh because we don’t know how to fix it.  Something lurks in the recesses, and we can’t see it clearly enough to identify it.

            Of course I’m talking about the difference between men and women.  Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and all that stuff.  We communicate differently.  We react differently.  We’re socialized to be different, and genetically we’re different.  The question is, what do we do about it?

            Let’s start with us, ladies.  We have a reputation for thinking men should read our minds.  “I’m fine,” means “I’m furious.”  “Go ahead,” means “I’ll be pissed if you go.”  Or my personal pet peeve, “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you.”  How on earth do we expect to be understood if we use language like this?  Of course they don’t get it right.  I don’t understand, and I am a woman.  No wonder men are gun shy.

            The first night I spent with my husband, Kerry, I found out how really gun shy men can be.  I’m not 19 anymore, I’ve had four babies, my body does not work as efficiently as it used to, which means I had to get up to pee in the middle of the night.  As I was leaving, Kerry woke up and said, “I’m sorry.”  What?  Sorry that I have to pee?  I was totally confused.  “What are you sorry for?”  “You’re leaving.  You must be mad,” he said.  Poor man.  He could think of no reason I should leave the room other than that I was mad, and was apologizing simply because he thought it was the right thing to do.  I said, “I’m going to the bathroom, then I’m going to go smack every woman who mistreated you and let you think that way, then I’ll be right back.  No worries.”  He was so relieved he was sound asleep again by the time I got back into bed. 

            It’s ridiculous that men would truly not know when we’re upset, so assume we’re upset all the time.  Here’s a challenge: next time you’re unhappy, or you want something, or you prefer that he not do whatever-it-is with the guys, just say so.  Don’t get all mad, don’t yell, don’t cry.  State your thoughts or wishes in simple, clear language with no tricks or games.  My guess is it’ll work like a charm.  He’ll know exactly what you want and how you feel, and can respond more appropriately since he doesn’t have to guess.  Try it!  You might like what happens!

            This works especially well for things like, “Tell me you love me,” and “I want you to send me flowers.”  I use these sentences all the time, and I invariably get what I ask for.  It doesn’t mean less just because I asked for it.  He wants me to be happy, and loves to know exactly what will please me at that moment.  Spontaneous romance is great—romance because he knows it will make me happy (because I told him) is just as great.

            Gentlemen, you’re not off the hook.  You have a brain and a heart.  We expect you to use them.  If you are prone to forget important dates and appointments, program them into your fancy iphone or similar gadget.  Or just write them on the calendar.  There’s simply no excuse for forgetting stuff like that with all the technology available.  (Come on.  You’re reading this online.  You obviously have access to some fabulous technology.)  If you aren’t sure how to commemorate special occasions, use the simple formula “Something soft, something sparkly, something smelly.”  (Pashmina, emeralds, and roses, for example)

            And for heaven’s sake, stop using the excuse, “I’m a guy.  I can’t help it.”  Yes, you can help it.  You are not forced by your Y chromosome to have bad manners, ogle innocent passersby, or use foul language.  Your hormones are not in control, forcing you to buy offensive magazines or sit on the couch instead of doing dishes.  Real men let their brains control their bodies, not the other way around.

            Learn real communication, where you actually say what you mean.  It may take some practice, but eventually you will learn to believe each other, and life gets so much easier after that.